and sometimes i'm the only one that can see

Hazel eyes; Soul of flames

only a quality so inherent could burn so long

February 04, 2006 - 7:00 p.m.

I guess I'm not supposed to feel weak about trying to fix a relationship, or about being honest about my feelings.  But because of this particular situation, I do. The normal rules of relationships never applied to us, being that we were always far from the 'ordinary' couple.  Things were never cut and dry as far as what's acceptable emotionally.  From the start, we had what a lot of people, or professionals, would consider unhealthy things.  maybe codependency, or a lack of emotional stability, basically not being in a good enough place by ourselves to start a healthy relationship.  But the effect we had on each other was all we had at that time to keep from being self-destructive.  And gradually, as the love and loyalty we felt for each other strengthened, most of  the mal-adaptive tendencies and depression drifted away as the voids began to close.  To summarize, we fulfilled each other's needs in a way that no one else could or cared to, and we were able to do for each other what we couldn't do for ourselves.

But now that years have gone by, and we've gotten older and supposedly more independent, and confidence levels have increased (at least his.. I don't think mine has changed much one way or the other..maybe a bit), and mostly due to our renewed distance, maybe "the rules" of relationships now apply to us, and I'm having trouble trying to accept that.  Maybe, despite our geographical distance, I should distance myself emotionally.  It always seemed to me that if anything, we should be more emotional, in order to help bridge the gap and not let what we have slip away because of our difficulties.  I've hardly ever felt that things were one-sided with us, but I'm starting to feel it now.  I don't think he can or wants to be for me what he once was.  And he can't or doesn't need me to be for him what I once was.  I won't understate my importance as his first girlfriend, but I don't think he's really interested in maintaining this relationship the way that I am.  And that hurts.  Because I never thought this would happen.  I never thought we would T off emotionally.  He broke his promise to me that he would never shut me out, no matter how angry we were.  I don't think he even remembered it.  He doesn't feel the need to call.  He didn't want to call after an argument because he didn't want to own up to his part of it.  And he didn't want to deal with me after it.  When I started to talk about it, he said, "This is exactly why I didn't want to call."  Well, I'm the first to say that talking about fighting sucks, but it's the only way to resolve it.  You can't just sweep everything under the rug, because it festers.  And that in itself is a problem, that he didn't think that he did anything wrong.  I think when you're in a relationship, you have a responsibility to the other person to not be an asshole.  And if you are an asshole, you better accept the damn consequences of that!  When I was upset, at the end of our conversation he had to go, and he said he'd call the next day to talk more about it, because it was bothering him that I was upset.  I think the only reason it bothers him is because my emotional outburst was blatantly in his face and he couldn't deny that it was happening.  If he cared enough about me, to know that I'm ok, then he shouldn't have not called for a week!  I was upset the whole week but he didn't care enough to think about it.  It's right there, the opportunity to be caring, but he didn't feel like it.  I just don't understand why everyone else gets to be selfish except for me.  There's a lot of examples of this.. people are content to live in [their name]-land, where everything is fabulously according to their needs.  And everyone else is wrong, crazy, and condemned to living outside [their name]-land, in, of course, THE REAL WORLD!!  Which is where I am, despite my many attempts to think myself out if it.

Bottom line is, I can't stand that this is happening, and I can't stand that I can't stand it.  I hate that I care so much, and I hate that now it feels like I can't be myself with him anymore.  I can't let him know how much I need him, or how much he's hurting me by not reciprocating my needs, emotions, or hope in this relationship.  I just want him to still want to protect me, and have me all to himself.  But it seems that if I found someone else it would be a relief to him.  I asked him not to let me fall, and he said that it was a big responsibility for one person, but he would try not to. Those words were like a knife on me.  I reached out to him, for him, and he's keeping me there at arm's length.  Why is it suddenly that caring for me has become a burden he wishes someone else would share?  I cried so much for him, and he wouldn't even make an attempt to dry my tears.  I feel so embarrassed that he had me all naked and stripped down like that.  I wish so much that I felt comfortable wearing my armor, but truthfully, it's too heavy for me.  And all I want to do at the end of the day is take it all off, or let him do it, even, and just be me, imperfections, insecurity, and all.  But he left me cold.  I try to keep myself warm, but it's not the same as having someone there beside you.  For all the good, and everything utterly incredible, that I never thought I would have, is what I will be without now, after being spoiled by it.  I haven't second guessed my nature in a long time, I'm supposed to believe that I'm just different, more emotional, more empathetic, more susceptible to the dark side of it all because I'll never be not alone or understood or matched.  But maybe I'm "too" emotional.  Maybe they've all got it right and as the anomaly, I should conform myself to what I apparently should be.  This goes against everything I inherently believe, but after a while, you have to wonder if it's all a mistake.  I just don't think I have it in me to change myself that fundamentally.  Or even think that I should.  sometimes I can't help but be a martyr for all that I can never have returned to me.  but i don't build myself up like that.

I don't want to play games.  I don't want to play with rules.  I say what I mean and I mean what I say.  I don't want to pull myself away even though I want him, and put on the independent suit when i'm dying inside, and say things that infer i was too busy to think about him, when all the time it drives me nuts that we're not ok.  yes, i have a life, yes, i exist outside the relationship, but we were closer than most people, and more honest than most people, and he was a big part of my life that i cherished and protected to no end.  and i don't feel that he is doing that for me.  he once said that a relationship is like a newborn baby.. you have to nurture it and give it love and protection and attention for it to thrive and ultimately, survive.  well even if our relationship is now experiencing the toddler terrible twos, it still needs all the same commitment, support, attention, and desire to continue its life.  I don't want to pull away in order to make him lean closer.  I either want him to come closer as a result of honesty and his desire to do so, or i need to pull away with no ulterior motives, in the interest of self-preservation.

you fall -before- you fly

where can i take this pain of mine/i run but it stays right by my side...